Everyone struggles with low ego-strength at some point in their lives. Things don’t always go our way, and negative experiences great and small can come as a major blow to our self-confidence and our self-esteem. On top of this, the stress and strain of our fast-paced, high-pressure lives make it difficult to manage even the “simplest” of life’s demands, often leaving us feeling drained and weak and incapable. In general, though, we expect that with a bit of rest and relaxation, we’ll soon be up and ready to go.

However, for a lot of people, this doesn’t happen. They get knocked down and they stay down, and they begin to wonder if they were ever really standing in the first place. Even without any specifically negative event, a great many people seem to drift through life on a tide of stress, anxiety and depression, low self-esteem and absent self-confidence. They put others’ needs before their own, to their own detriment; they speak of being invisible and unlovable, being somehow intrinsically flawed, basically bad; they feel inferior and worthless, empty, lonely, and afraid; they make resolutions and try to set boundaries, but continually find that their efforts at self-assertion fall through; they struggle endlessly with addictions and addiction-like behaviours, especially with food, sex and/or pornography, alcohol, cigarettes, and bingeing on movies and/or TV.

If you’re reading this, chances are that at least one of the above applies to you in some way. Whatever your personal struggle might be, there is no shame in finding life difficult, especially when it comes to relationships with other people. When we look from the right angle, however, it becomes surprisingly simple to understand the feelings that trouble us. Once we understand the what and why of the way we feel about ourselves and other people, we then start to believe that we can resolve the emotional conflicts which cause us so much suffering. It is never easy and rarely quick, but it is possible and worth the effort it costs and the turmoil the process often causes.

Ability vs. Attribute

Unfortunately, the way we talk about psychological experience tends to confuse and disorientate us. Ego-strength is not something you “have” in the sense of ownership (e.g. “I have a TV”), it isn’t really a thing at all. Rather, “having” ego strength means being able to assert yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin. High ego-strength means you can establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others, and tolerate those inevitable occasions on which your boundaries are crossed. You are able to receive criticism (constructive or otherwise) without feeling guilty, ugly, dumb, or worthless. And when you look back upon your misdeeds and stupidities, you feel embarrassed, perhaps, but you don’t feel ashamed.

So ego-strength is not an attribute like height or hair-colour that you do or don’t have — it is an ability and a skill which can be built up through deliberate effort and practice. It is an emotional muscle which allows us to bear the burdens of life without being weighed down or crushed by them. You are able to say yes to the unexpected, and to say no to the unwanted, and mean it. You can bend with the wind and shelter yourself from the rain. When the power goes out you light a candle and visit a neighbour instead of sitting alone in the dark.

Later-Life Learning

Ego-strength, like learning to walk and talk, is easiest to develop as we ourselves are developing. Given the right circumstances of healthy attachment and emotional support, ego-strength grows naturally and “builds itself into” the child’s basic experience of the world and view of themselves. The rare and lucky person who grows up in this optimal environment will be able to believe in and trust their emotions and perceptions, to have faith in their own abilities and intentions, to trust others, and create deep, intimate emotional bonds.

Sadly, very few of us grow up under these ideal circumstances. Many kids get barely enough care and support to develop into adults who are reasonably able to manage the demands of life — and a great many don’t get even that much. To be frank, many, if not most of us find ourselves barely holding on by a thread.

However, there is no reason to think that just because we didn’t get it in childhood, ego-strength is somehow impossible to develop later on. Some people compare it to learning a new language, or exercising and getting psychically fit, or learning how to paint or play an instrument — but the essential thing is that ego-strength can be developed later in life and it is never too late. There is no question that it is more difficult to do as an adult, and more painful, but there is also no question that it can be done, or that you can do it too.

Psychotherapy & Ego-Strength Building

This, fundamentally, is what psychotherapy is: Building up your emotional muscles, your ego-strength, so that eventually you no longer have to worry about not being “strong” enough to handle the stress, confusion, and anxiety of adult life.

The “work” in therapy is first to understand how you have come to be how you are. Often, people find themselves talking about how they grew up, what their early life was like, how well their parents/caregivers got along, and their relationships with all of the people who helped raised them. This doesn’t mean “going back there” or “re-living” your most painful experiences, rather, it means acknowledging and accepting the full truth of who you are. This, of course, brings up strong feelings, but this is what your therapist is for, to help you learn the skill of managing and regulating the feelings that arise out of past experiences and present emotional conflict.

And as these muscles grow, as their ego-strength increases, most people find that they become less and less dependent on their coping mechanisms, their “bad habits.” They feel less guilty for taking time for themselves and less ashamed of making mistakes. They can walk down the street without fearing the judgement of others and can assert their needs and wants without feeling selfish or greedy or rude. Lifelong depressions lift, anxieties fade into the background, and day-to-day living gradually becomes more fluid, and put simply, easier.

Patience Will Out

Learning a new ability takes time, there’s no way around it. Real understanding and meaningful change come from assimilation and integration, re-shaping yourself to make room for new ideas, thoughts, and feelings. You can’t build up your ego-strength in a month, any more than you can learn to speak French, or Russian, or Farsi in a month. It takes time for your mind to displace old patterns and trace lasting connections between new and existing meanings and beliefs. Some people learn faster, and some slower, to be sure, but regardless — it takes as long as it takes.

And, ironically, if you start from the idea that building up your ego-strength will take longer than you’d like it to, you’ll have a much easier time and the process itself will go much faster than you expect.